I am typing this with a huge grin plastered to my face, because the title is so absurd. Seriously.. I have no idea how to choose 'the right partner', let alone any clue as to what a 'right partner' is. Even if I could define one, it would be hard to know who really fits the description, because from my experience, the majority of people are not who they seem to be. It's hard to pick the right one when you don't really know who anyone is..
Consider this: when you go to the store, how comfortable would you feel buying food that said it contained certain nutrients only to find out that virtually none of those nutrients were actually in it? How different is that from a person who portrays themselves as an honest, giving, selfless person only to hide their dishonest, greedy, self-centered side? Both leave you feeling disappointed, because neither was what you thought it was.
The only thing that can show you who people really are is time and circumstance. You see, certain amounts of time and different circumstances give people opportunities to show you who they really are. Given enough time, people will show you how trustworthy they are, how reliable they are, how sincere they are, etc. Likewise, given enough time, people will also show you how human they are, and how easily they fall prey to their own shortcomings.
For example, I like to believe I am a good person. I mostly do the right thing, am considerate of others (for the most part), and try my hardest not to step on any toes as I walk down this road of life. However, despite how much it means to me to be a "good" person, I occasionally find myself doing things that are anything but good..
It seems that the more I try to do good, the better I am at achieving the exact opposite. When I reflect on why this is, the best I can come up with is a stupid Yoda quote: "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
There has to be something to this, because even when I am out playing disc golf and "try" to make a certain shot, that's usually when it flies the craziest. It's when I know what I want to do and simply DO it without even thinking about it that somehow the perfect shot just magically happens.
The tricky part is getting into that "do it without thinking about it" mental space and living there permanently. Most of the time, I walk through that space like it's connected to an ever-revolving door. As soon as I'm in it and become aware that I'm there, *poof* - the space is gone. Back into the revolving doors I go, walking in circles to no place in particular but always in search of a hope, dream and wish.
Now, what does all of that have to do with choosing the right person to be your partner? Or gaining a better understanding of who exactly a 'right partner' is? Everything. You see, until you can see yourself in all of the people around you - the right ones and wrong ones, good and bad ones - you will never really see them. And without being able to see them for who they are, you will never understand that they are all perfectly imperfect beings that have varying degrees of goodness and badness packaged neatly within a self-regulating human body. Nobody will ever be right for you. Why? Because you'll never be right with yourself and will always be looking for what you'll never be in someone else..
I know, that's not exactly the news you wanted to hear. And in some ways, it's not really news. It's really more of an opinion that anything else, but it came from a truth that I can't seem to deny no matter how hard I try. When people hold someone to a higher standard than they hold themselves, they spread emotional poison in the form of discontent simply because the other person couldn't be what they needed them to be. But here's the kicker.. People don't exist to be what WE need them to be. They simply exist. And we can learn to value and appreciate them for the imperfect people they are, or we can harp on the fact that they don't meet our checklist of unrealistic expectations of perfection.
Think about this: there is no person on this earth who is 100% good or 100% bad on any given day. Every single day, we are all a mixture of good and bad, some leaning more heavily towards the good side and others slanting hard in the opposite direction, but none of us are perfect. Yet we expect that the person we are with will never make a mistake. We expect that they should never hurt our feelings, and if they do, it's an action potentially punishable by exile from our life. But why? What do we ultimately gain from those expectations except the pleasure of building up one relationship after another just to tear them all down in the end? Seems like such a tremendous amount of energy being expended to have nothing to show for it all in the end..
I'm not saying to lower your standards and accept poor treatment, or to put everything into building something that ultimately isn't right for you (or possibly even dangerous for you), but I am saying that maybe the foundation for choosing a right man (or woman) is in being right with yourself first. So, for example, if you can't admit to your ex that you are in a bad relationship with person that runs in their circle of friends, don't expect that relationship to go very far.. And don't be mad at them when they expose you for the not-so-good person that you made the choice to be.. It's not that they aren't the right ones for you, it's that you aren't being the right one for you, and you should really, really take the time to ask yourself "Why?". It will help you more than you know.
Honesty matters, and it starts with self. Be honest with yourself about what you want, need and dream of having, and work hard to be the person you need to be to make those things happen in a way that you can appreciate them if and when they do enter your life. Most of us take the blessings we have for granted, then constantly ask for more. Perhaps if we focus on the blessings we do have and realize that problems are not stop signs, but rather guidelines to the right way to go, we will be able to appreciate the beautiful people who grace our lives with theirs and stop looking beyond them.
Consider this: when you go to the store, how comfortable would you feel buying food that said it contained certain nutrients only to find out that virtually none of those nutrients were actually in it? How different is that from a person who portrays themselves as an honest, giving, selfless person only to hide their dishonest, greedy, self-centered side? Both leave you feeling disappointed, because neither was what you thought it was.
The only thing that can show you who people really are is time and circumstance. You see, certain amounts of time and different circumstances give people opportunities to show you who they really are. Given enough time, people will show you how trustworthy they are, how reliable they are, how sincere they are, etc. Likewise, given enough time, people will also show you how human they are, and how easily they fall prey to their own shortcomings.
For example, I like to believe I am a good person. I mostly do the right thing, am considerate of others (for the most part), and try my hardest not to step on any toes as I walk down this road of life. However, despite how much it means to me to be a "good" person, I occasionally find myself doing things that are anything but good..
It seems that the more I try to do good, the better I am at achieving the exact opposite. When I reflect on why this is, the best I can come up with is a stupid Yoda quote: "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
There has to be something to this, because even when I am out playing disc golf and "try" to make a certain shot, that's usually when it flies the craziest. It's when I know what I want to do and simply DO it without even thinking about it that somehow the perfect shot just magically happens.
The tricky part is getting into that "do it without thinking about it" mental space and living there permanently. Most of the time, I walk through that space like it's connected to an ever-revolving door. As soon as I'm in it and become aware that I'm there, *poof* - the space is gone. Back into the revolving doors I go, walking in circles to no place in particular but always in search of a hope, dream and wish.
Now, what does all of that have to do with choosing the right person to be your partner? Or gaining a better understanding of who exactly a 'right partner' is? Everything. You see, until you can see yourself in all of the people around you - the right ones and wrong ones, good and bad ones - you will never really see them. And without being able to see them for who they are, you will never understand that they are all perfectly imperfect beings that have varying degrees of goodness and badness packaged neatly within a self-regulating human body. Nobody will ever be right for you. Why? Because you'll never be right with yourself and will always be looking for what you'll never be in someone else..
I know, that's not exactly the news you wanted to hear. And in some ways, it's not really news. It's really more of an opinion that anything else, but it came from a truth that I can't seem to deny no matter how hard I try. When people hold someone to a higher standard than they hold themselves, they spread emotional poison in the form of discontent simply because the other person couldn't be what they needed them to be. But here's the kicker.. People don't exist to be what WE need them to be. They simply exist. And we can learn to value and appreciate them for the imperfect people they are, or we can harp on the fact that they don't meet our checklist of unrealistic expectations of perfection.
Think about this: there is no person on this earth who is 100% good or 100% bad on any given day. Every single day, we are all a mixture of good and bad, some leaning more heavily towards the good side and others slanting hard in the opposite direction, but none of us are perfect. Yet we expect that the person we are with will never make a mistake. We expect that they should never hurt our feelings, and if they do, it's an action potentially punishable by exile from our life. But why? What do we ultimately gain from those expectations except the pleasure of building up one relationship after another just to tear them all down in the end? Seems like such a tremendous amount of energy being expended to have nothing to show for it all in the end..
I'm not saying to lower your standards and accept poor treatment, or to put everything into building something that ultimately isn't right for you (or possibly even dangerous for you), but I am saying that maybe the foundation for choosing a right man (or woman) is in being right with yourself first. So, for example, if you can't admit to your ex that you are in a bad relationship with person that runs in their circle of friends, don't expect that relationship to go very far.. And don't be mad at them when they expose you for the not-so-good person that you made the choice to be.. It's not that they aren't the right ones for you, it's that you aren't being the right one for you, and you should really, really take the time to ask yourself "Why?". It will help you more than you know.
Honesty matters, and it starts with self. Be honest with yourself about what you want, need and dream of having, and work hard to be the person you need to be to make those things happen in a way that you can appreciate them if and when they do enter your life. Most of us take the blessings we have for granted, then constantly ask for more. Perhaps if we focus on the blessings we do have and realize that problems are not stop signs, but rather guidelines to the right way to go, we will be able to appreciate the beautiful people who grace our lives with theirs and stop looking beyond them.
